Advice and Insights for Modern Daters

Outta Sight, Outta Mind

How do you keep up momentum with new dates when you’re constantly leaving town and worried about dating app competition? Alli and Jen discuss solutions.

Q. I travel a lot for work and the following scenario has played out so many times: I’ll meet a girl on an app, go out, have a great time, and then have to leave for a week. By the time I get back, she’s become exclusive with someone else. I realize dating is a numbers game, but this is frustrating on so many levels. How do I compete via text against an in-person interaction?

Stephen, 31, Los Angeles, CA

A. I too have had some incidents with bad timing. They say timing is everything. I don’t think that’s true, but I think it’s something!

I’m not gonna lie, though. Girls claiming to have gotten serious with someone else seems like an excuse. If you said you were away longer than two weeks, then sure. But two weeks just isn’t very long, and it certainly isn’t enough time to become exclusive with someone else that she met right before you. In our show How To Break Up By Text, “I’ve met someone else” is actually the most common excuse people use when trying to get out of a second date. When we ask the person if it’s true, it almost never is. Moreover, the trend we’ve seen is that people use this excuse when they’ve only gone out on 1-2 dates and have changed their mind about the person and are no longer interested in another date.

I think it’s pretty lame, and in our show we consistently encourage people to just be honest and let the other person know the truth for precisely the reason you’re writing us. It isn’t fair to leave people wondering what they could have done differently; remember that when you’re on the other side of this equation. Men, women, and everyone in-between need to be upfront when they’re not feeling it. In fact, my co-creator and I wrote a column about the text you should send instead here.

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve seen it happen too many times to disregard it. However, you should actually take this as good news. She didn’t choose someone else! You didn’t lose the race! You’re just not a match, and that’s okay. How many girls have you been out with who were perfectly great and likable, you’re just not feeling it for an intangible reason? You signed your email from LA, so I’m guessing you’ve been on a lot of these dates. This is true for anyone in a large city.

You’re probably thinking: “But I know we were on the same page! I know when I’m not on the same page with someone, and that wasn’t the case.” I hear you. I’ve been in this position more times than I’d like to admit. I think the date was great, and I never hear from him again.

I’ve learned not to take it personally. They had a great time– I’m pretty fun!– but the more they thought about it, it just didn’t seem right. They’re looking for someone less artsy. Or quieter. Whatever! So maybe they seemed really into it at the time, but decided a second date didn’t make sense. Or who knows what’s going on in another person’s personal or professional life that interferes with dating?

Or, of course, maybe they met someone else.

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ALLI GOLDBERG AND JEN JAMULA 

Allison Goldberg & Jen Jamula are the creators of two live comedy shows — Blogologues and How To Break Up By Text — both of which look way too closely at online dating, and now they’re here to share with you all the things they can’t unsee. Their work has been featured on Good Morning America, in WIRED, Forbes, VICE and more, and at one point Time Out NY ranked them among the top ten funniest women in NYC — but they were ranked as one person. Send questions to Alli and Jen at advice@hinge.co.

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