Crème de la Crumb
Brande counsels a letter writer whose match texts and texts after two great dates…but fails to plan a third.
Q. I’ve been out twice with this guy I met on a dating app. Both dates were AWESOME — I’m really feeling it. The first time we had drinks and it lasted five hours. The second date we went to dinner and had drinks after. After the second date, a week passed and I didn’t hear from him until Friday night, when he asked if I wanted to meet up with him and his friends at a bar. We had a blast…but then I didn’t hear from him until the following Thursday, when he just texted, “What’s up?” with a kissy face emoji. I responded and then he waited until AFTER THE WEEKEND to respond.
Since then there’s been a string of erratic texts. All of them are really nice, but none of them are consistent back-and-forth conversation. He also hasn’t asked me out again. He’ll literally just text me, “How’s your day, beautiful?” and then I’ll respond…and then nothing until the next day or the day after.
I really want this guy to ask me out again. We had so much fun together. All my friends are telling me to ask HIM out, but that feels weird to me. I’ve sort of hinted at it and he mentioned his “super busy week,” so I don’t want to go there again.
How do I get this guy to ask me out again? Is his plan to just string me along forever? What is happening here?
Jennifer, 28, Phoenix, AZ
A. I hate to be the one to tell you, but since your friends won’t, let me break the news to you. You’ve already answered your own question. This guy is breadcrumbing you. Urban Dictionary defines this act as “sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie “breadcrumbs”) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.”
The bittersweet news is he’s not planning to string you along forever — just until he finds someone he actually wants to date. This may sound harsh, but facts are facts — one of the important ones being, 68 percent of women report being “breadcrumbed,” or strung along, and of that number, only four percent ended up in a relationship with the breadcrumber. Pretty bad odds.
“How’s your day beautiful?” is what I like to call a “maintenance text.” Other examples of maintenance texts include, “Good morning gorgeous,” “Have a great day,” and all other types of, “I’m saying something, but not getting anywhere,” messages that make you feel like someone is thinking about you even if they’re not actually making plans. 41 percent of men and 31 percent of women admit to breadcrumbing someone — the problem is widespread.
The purpose of these messages is to keep the window of opportunity open should a man find himself bored, in need of female company, and without the option he really wants.
Urban Dictionary defines “breadcrumbing” as, “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie “breadcrumbs”) to members of the opposite sex in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort.”
Your friends weren’t wrong for telling you to ask this guy out. It never hurts to be bold and let a guy know you’re feeling him. The troubling part are his responses to your hints. Telling you he’s “super busy” means he’s not super interested. If he were, he wouldn’t take several days to respond to your texts. His level of interest can be summed up to, “I’m not doing anything else, so I’ll send her a text.”
Is that really someone you want to hang out with?
There’s no such thing as “getting” a guy to ask you out again. If he wants to go out with you, he’ll ask. If he wants to go out with you, he’ll accept the invitation when you ask (or pick up on the hint).
If he doesn’t want to go out with you or get to know you, he’ll send pointless, emoji-laden texts. These texts serve to keep you around as an option. You don’t want to be an option.
Chalk this guy up as a loss, toss him back in the virtual sea, update your dating profile, and keep looking.
Brande Victorian is the creator of Be-Enough.com where she chronicles tales of love in the time of weight loss along with other musings of her health and wellness journey. She also serves as Managing Editor of MadameNoire.com. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram. Send Brande questions at firstname.lastname@example.org.