An Unfriendly Hook-Up
Is there a double standard when it comes to past hook-ups and relationships on dating apps? Gigi investigates.
Q. I’m 26 and matched with a guy on a dating app. We started having a great convo, but as soon as he found out I’d hooked up with his friend, he unmatched me. It came up in a joking way (mutual friends, etc.) but it really bummed me out because the hookup was in college and meant nothing. I thought we were more progressive as a society — do people really care about stuff like that?
Courtney, 26, Denver, CO
A: This is such an interesting situation and one I think a lot of women have dealt with to varying degrees. We’ve all known guys who expect us to be chaste and perfect while they’re out romping around. Then, as soon as they’re faced with real female sexuality they’re like, “Wait…you’ve had sex before?!”
They can judge us, but we can’t judge them?
Sounds like we’re dealing with a man-child who thinks all of his ladies should be the Virgin Mary. What a bore. What a boring life he shall have.
I love a chance to tell slut-shamers to shove it. If you don’t think that’s what happened, you’re incorrect. What he did was a definitive form of slut-shaming. He found out you’d hooked up with one of his friends and didn’t think you were worth being matched with anymore. That guy is a total scumbag.
I get that it’s his friend and, okay, that could be a little weird. But, come on. It was a hookup. It’s not like you dated his best friend for three years and then tried to get with him. It was literally just sex. Please.
Obviously hooking up with his friend in college is NBD. Who doesn’t hook up in college? Who doesn’t hook up forever?
Your sexuality is something that should empower you, not make you feel sad and ashamed. If you had hooked up with him last week it still shouldn’t be a big deal. Clearly it wasn’t anything serious. You’re an adult human person. Why should who you sleep with make you more or less worthy of love?
If you were a man I’d be telling you the same thing. It’s absolutely ridiculous to judge someone for the sex they’ve had. Jesus, it’s 2017.
If he can’t wrap his mind around that and be an adult, he’s clearly not mature enough to be boyfriend material.
Do not allow this guy to make you feel bad. He should feel bad for being such a loser. Don’t be bummed out because you dodged a bullet with this one. I’m offended on your behalf.
I often think we are a super progressive society. Most of the time I’m delighted with how far we’ve come. Then, you see situations like this and it reminds you how far we still have to go. Slut-shaming is not over and still needs to be fought on a regular basis. Trust me, I’m an expert. When you write about sex on the internet for a living, you get slut-shamed on a regular basis.
We still have a lot of work to do to be equal to men and have our sexuality de-stigmatized.
The only way to do that is to continue not to GAF and not let dudes shame you for being yourself and getting some action. You do not want to date this guy. He sucks. I repeat, he has the problem, not you.
Go get yourself back on those dating apps and find yourself a man who is actually worthy of you. Any guy who is rude to you over some past hookup with a friend of his (from ten million years ago, nonetheless!) is a f*ckboy. Who has time for that?
You are a strong and empowered woman. Don’t let some jerk dim your shine. His actions say a lot more about him than they do about you.
You do you, girl. You are going to find an awesome guy who doesn’t suck. I just know it. I hope this helps.
*May 2017 Hinge data analysis
Gigi Engle, aka Ask Auntie Gigi, is a sex writer and educator living in NYC. Her work has appeared on Elle, Teen Vogue, Bustle, Glamour, Allure, and Men’s Journal, Elite Daily and Thrillist. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @GigiEngle. Send questions to Gigi at firstname.lastname@example.org.